January 31, 2001
10:44 PM // react
January 30, 2001
Dwelling on these machines begins to fuck with my internal wiring. Programs start to shift, and honesty becomes experimental, almost. In some cases, it seems to stop "flowing" like it's supposed to. I tend to put my trust in people I don't know too well because they are what I think might be a saviour to whatever I think I'm going through. Without even knowing them too well...or maybe I'm just not giving them enough credit. Swolen tongue bums with smoke-filled lungs. The waves are depleting quickly...jesus christ, let's build them back up. Now!! Start blowing in the air to the east or something. I guess exchanging sound-less, face-less, almost soul-less frequencies can only do so much.
Yet I still engage in this (you fucking hypocrite) 'cause something about it is truly fascinating. Their souls are your own landscape painting, depending on what kinda mood you're in. But when the power goes off, the painting disappears like the rabbit in the magician's hat. I know it's time to push myself away when the screen starts to turn blank and all I can see is my reflection. But it seems like the more I push myself away, the more I am attracted to this, and the more I wanna fucking explode.
(insert lame post-teen angst sentence here...oops too late)
You talk about a society of free-thinking, individual beings when all you make me see are identical, individual zombies with a ladder-like quest towards the same fucking pot of gold. Each spoke is clearly defined and supposedly predictable (since everyone goes through this). And if you break your legs and hands? Well, there goes your soul. Does your collective brain communicate with that of a giant rodent? Wait a minute, oops it's not a rodent. He once told me that individuality depends on outside frequencies. For if they didn't exist, you wouldn't have anybody with whom contrast your lifestyle(s). Oh you confuse me so! Give me some candy. I want you right now. Don't tell me what I wanna hear, challenge me and I will challenge you (hopefully). That's good...now expand on that.
How am I supposed to be myself if all of my words blur together in a kamikaze attack? I don't know everything. You seemed so amazing and our wires might have been tangled, but goddamit, why is my trust in you fading? I get this weird feeling. Suspicion or something. I can't stand this!! "So tired of waiting." Oh cool, a flute solo with the rhythm in the background. Am I too demanding? I'm probably give you the same impression you're giving me, and the way this is going, it seems pretty pointless. Though I could probably sit around all night by myself, staring at your box and coming up with reasons why this is very important, why this is the healthy thing to do. But tonight I'd rather be on the outside. Point the samurai blades at someone else, please!!
3:56 PM // react
I think I am getting a little less scared of other guys noticing me staring at them. I used to always picture them noticing me looking at them, then coming over and punching me so hard. And that might happen someday if I overdo it.|
He got on the bus with some gym bag and stood right in front of me. His nice squishy ass complemented his nice squishy pecs very nicely. Not that I was looking or anything...I think he noticed me almost obsessively staring at his amazing physique. I mean, I didn't make it that obvious that I was (mentally) picturing him naked, he kept looking down towards me (the bus was packed like crazy) but I'd be looking away or something. I guess the next step is me looking him in the eye...
But yeah, I think I am getting more gay. Do I get a medal or something?
7:53 AM // react
January 29, 2001
hehe Mari rules. Hope your penis didn't prune up too much in the Mr. Bubble bath. ;)|
I am gaining dork bonus points today 'cause I joined this thing called Disturbing Search Requests. It's pretty self-explanatory...and damn. I get some weird ass searches to this site. Looks like I'm not the only one...god, some of those had me laughing out loud. (100 dork bonus points)
This morning I watched the first sunrise of the year here in Austin. Tons of small black birds were flying above my dorm all over the place. My feet and ears were cold. My oatmeal and blue hoodie warmed me up. ahhhh. Sigh.
3:39 PM // react
January 28, 2001
Say something about his sexy tattoos. Tell him his shoes are cool. Say something, you fucking idiot!
7:03 PM // react
Ahh how I miss you, Pacific Ocean.
2:28 PM // react
January 26, 2001
New noise, a composition called "Ocean Water Packaging." Destroying nature for profit kicks ass!|
Oh yeah, the "react" thing works now. So umm. React. I'm hungry.
5:37 PM // react
Tear it Down Records released a rad new compilation which is a benefit for gay rights. Songs by Refused, AFI, Boy Sets Fire, Shai Hulud, etc. and artwork by the amazing Shepherd Fairey. Damn! Get this now, I command you.
12:44 AM // react
January 25, 2001
Milton are the best thing to come out of Mississippi since hot shirtless frat boys and greasy french fries. Ah what a combination...
5:18 PM // react
January 24, 2001
"We have got the maxim gun and they have not"
Hands up in the air grasping for depth
Souls corrupted through faith in prominence
of hidden blessings: civilization.
Commerce-- the quest for dominance
Cross the river and conquer
for Him it is to simple
We are too complex
We must invade, destroy
Unable to look them in the eye
The promise of wealth,
The kingdom of chaos.
"We were told to close our eyes
...but we peeped through fingers."
And try and stop me from flirting with the cute TA in my class. Actually, it might be easier than you think. You just gotta know the magic word. He has trouble looking people in the eyes, it seems. We'll haveta work on that. "We"? What?? When did him and I become a singular, collective being?
Wait, what the heck is up with this, I'm actually flirting with another boy! I don't think I've ever done it before. If you wanna call that "flirting"...have I actually overcome that frightening feeling that used to hold me back (and still kinda does)? Give me lessons, Cher; I've got a feeling about this man.
10:10 PM // react
"The girls in this dorm are fling-able. You know, like the one-night stand types?"
3:44 PM // react
January 23, 2001
Contrary to popular belief, drawing pictures during a class lecture is very relaxing, and it helps me concentrate on the material. Kinda like music is playing in the background, even though it's just the professor's voice hunting my attention down. My rendition of "Air for G String" is getting better by the day. Our security guard is teaching me some jazzy chords and stuff that I am struggling with. A lot. Thank the lord for B#!!
11:03 PM // react
Rad new splash page at burntgraphix. I hear the guy who does that site is a cocksucker...
12:24 PM // react
January 22, 2001
I'd like to make a confession. I had no idea human beings were good by default, and that this was the only way to explain life. For my entire life, I had this bizarre theory in my head that human nature does not actually exist, and that nearly every major (and minor) social atrocity in our nation's history needed some kind of public, grassroots, "democratic" intervention in order to resolve positively. Boy was I wrong!|
And you're totally right, I don't know shit. Those names "Chomsky" and "Zinn" I wrote below...I just thought their names sounded cool (whoa dude, "Zinn" has a "z" in it...I almost just said "zoology" hu hu hu), that's why I linked em down there. And AK Press? What a buncha anarchist, ignorant, uneducated loonies! They don't know what the fuck they're talking about!! Heck, they're probably throwing bricks at Starbucks windows as I type this. Since that's all the anarchists and socialists believe in: destruction and mass kaos!! Those leftist, extremist bastards!!
I really admire those who call themselves "open-minded" and then pull their hair out when another opinion doesn't match theirs completely. I also admire people who say "we need to do this" and "someone needs to do that" but all they do is bitch about it to their friends. Man, now that's action!
I mean, you're right...all problems just resolve by themselves. The holocaust ended 'cause everybody (including Hitler) thought genocide was wrong by default. It has nothing to do with morality; the world just peacefully came to a collective conclusion that it's plain old wrong to try and start a master race of human beings. I mean, isn't that common sense? Doesn't everybody believe that?
(What, not everybody believes that?)
Geez, why didn't somebody tell me there's a universally "right" and "wrong" way in dealing with any situation?! It makes life so much easier with everything so one-sided and pre-resolved. Makes me wonder why bad things happen in this world in the first place...though I admit, I'm just so full of myself, that I couldn't even look past my own self-created mental wall to see this. Being ignorant kicks ass!
8:51 PM // react
In response to this (and the "protests are pointless" view in general), I'd argue that what might appear to be a buncha loud, obnoxious, "selfish" protestors is, at least in my eyes, another peg added to a ladder of social/political/etc progression. This progression is not something that just happens overnight; it often takes years and years of struggle to bring forth some kinda progressive social change. In other words, without public protests such as the ones that occurred nationwide (USA) last Saturday, women would still not be able to vote in this country, there would still be the "white" water fountain and the "colored" water fountain, etc etc. |
Sure, some of the stuff that goes on at some protests is corrupt in its own little way (i.e. protestors cursing at people on the streets). But overall, I think public protests (large or small) are vital to any battle for freedom and equality. It gives me a sense of optimism in the human spirit (forgive my momentary cheese...) when I am involved with some kinda protest/volunteer thing...that there are still people out there who don't feel like sitting back and dealing with the bullshit we may or may not have to face in our American society. People who don't just tell themselves, "that's just the way it is," or in this recent situation, "I fucking hate Bush, but someone else will probably protest for me...isn't the Cindy Margolis show on soon?"
It's people of all ages, all ethnic backgrounds, all sexualities, etc, joining together in a public venue and raising a collective, grassroots, and unified voice towards justice. I seriously can't think of anything more effective towards achieving progressive goals.
To me, saying "your protests don't do anything" is like lying around, waiting for the ice cream truck to come to you, instead of running outside and getting the ice cream yourself. The solution? Taking the initiative, standing up for something you believe strongly in your heart. Ice cream, women's rights...what have you. Personally, I see nothing "selfish" about that.
Geez I hope I didn't just sound too preachy...blah. Don't take my word for it, I'm just a dumbass 19 year old art fag who gets excited by girl scout cookies (think mints mothafucka) and has to pee like every five minutes (fucking Cherry 7UP!!). Talk to Noam Chomsky or Howard Zinn, or read up on some literature. And may the schwartz be with you.
4:45 PM // react
January 21, 2001
Last night I had a dream about aliens. They look like human beings, like monsters. Did you ever notice how that man never blinks? He speaks English but his voice is too weird. It's really breathy, I mean, you can barely hear what he's saying. Even with the microphone. Especially with the microphone. As soon as the lights dim my eyes start to close by themselves. Somehow I make myself believe that rolling my eyes (or looking up as far as possible) makes me stay awake, but it just doesn't work. So I sit there and draw pictures on my left arm with my right hand. Astronomy class. Stars with gas around them; a thick, black, procreating gas. To make this image permanent on my skin would mean permanent happiness, he tells me.
9:59 PM // react
Operation Ivy - "Take Warning"|
stand by your freinds, wrong or right
can't call that justice when its just a stupid excuse to fight
single out and attack the ones who got no defense
you call that a new way of thinking i call it regression to
there's a new generation coming
and we really gotta stand up to them
nobody's got a thing against you
unless you've got something to prove
we don't need no set of standards,
we don't need a new set of rules
heard all that shit before
about stomping out any difference
we say stand together
(not to fight just to exist)
and we really gotta say no to them
enough is enough is enough
why don't you just ease up
I saw another beat down last night take warning
who's the next to hit the ground tonite take warning
Every once in a while I pull out OpIvy's Energy and instantly remind myself why this band pretty much changed my life (when I was like...13?). Definitely for the better; this band has given me so much hope & optimism, I can't even begin to explain it. It's one of those records that feels like I'm listening to it for the first time every time I play it. I still get the chills every time I hear "Unity."
1:10 PM // react
Read my lips: John Ashcroft sucks big balls.|
The J20 protests in DC sounds like a huge success, tens of thousands of protestors showed up (supposedly the biggest inaugural day protest since Nixon), only a few arrests. If you were out there or helped in any way for any progressive protest/cause, pat yourself on the back, 'cause YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE.
The Austin protest yesterday was really awesome as well, with around 500 people (on the anti-Bush side) out there chanting and marching and talking and shouting and crying and laughing and singing. Probably the biggest protest I've been to since I've lived in Austin, and 100% peaceful. Very cool. The Anarchist Marching Band & Radical Cheerleaders kicked some ass. I took a crapload of photos, but the supermarket did a really shitty job at printing them so I gotta get those redone. For now, the shower awaits my presence.
3:07 AM // react
January 20, 2001
Don't cut the tag on your gym shorts too close to the seam. Yes, even if it is bothering the heck out of you. Now look at what you've done! There's a fucking hole on your ass. The more you pull the threads, the bigger the hole gets.|
What is everybody gonna think? Somebody please teach me how to sew, and quickly.
8:44 PM // react
Cool thing: really cute indie rock lookin guy at the protest today taking photos and starting chants and shit.|
Bad thing: me not having the balls to say anything to him.
And what's even worse about me typing this right now is the fact that all I mentioned about the inaugural protests here in Austin today was the cute boy I kept lookin at. Go me...
1:27 PM // react
January 19, 2001
Today I invite my fellow Americans who think Bush should suck our collective ass (figuratively speaking) to put your money where your mouth (heart) is and PROTEST his corrupt inauguration (and some other fun things). Go outside and scream your bloody arses off.|
My "J20" playlist:
Refused "Coup D'Etat"
the Fucking Champs "Policenauts"
Plow United "Plow II" & "Yes Sir!"
In Flames "Suburban Me"
American Nightmare "The Ice Age is Coming"
Oingo Boingo "Marching in Time"
the Grouch "Mind Over Matter"
Strike Anywhere "Chorus of One"
the Specials "Do Nothing"
Shai Hulud "If Born from this Soil"
Kid Dynamite "Give em the Ripped One"
Nirvana "Territorial Pissings"
Operation Ivy "Freeze Up"
Rumbleseat "Cursing Concrete"
Reversal of Man "The Set Up"
Hopesfall "Shines Through"
Living Legends "Soul Man"
Green Day "Castaway"
5:43 PM // react
January 18, 2001
Snickers really does satisfy me. This band is fucking awesome!! The TA for my philosophy class is so fucking cute. He looked so sexy telling me I need to get a syllabus, haha...but wait, I gotta stick to my new rule: twice my age or less. Can I handle it? Oh boy, maybe. Actually I doubt he's 38. He's probably like late 20's. Damn that's young! Well, for me, at least. Younger than that last guy...does this world exist?|
I've eaten so many eggs the past few days, I'm starting to get sick. But everyone tells me I need the protein or some shit, so I'll stick to it. And also those One-a-Day pills my dad is like obsessed with me taking. The more I sit in my room these days, the more I wanna run outside screaming...maybe tonight will be a good "release." Cave-In are playing & I'm gonna go get my hardcore on. Whatever that is...
9:51 PM // react
4:55 PM // react
January 17, 2001
I'm thinking of getting a digital camera, just something simple that can take quick (but not too crappy) photos. Not a webcam, there's no way I could function correctly with one of those in my room. Something preferably $250 or less (and if that's too cheap, please laugh at my ignorant ass)...anybody have any suggestions?
11:31 PM // react
January 16, 2001
Workin on the new kaosboy design, it's comin along smoothly. A lot more colorful than this piece of shit...|
Here's a hint:
In the meantime, since you kiddies are so faithful, check out some of my recent rock photos (in a temporary location). I can make bigger copies of any of the photos for you if you send me a million bucks.
4:09 PM // react
January 15, 2001
First day of the new semester, my African history professor seems really rad. Supposedly he won professor of the year last year. Did you know there are no jungles in Africa?
Oh, and that little drawing I did up there is a result of my ennui in art history class today. I finally found a way to scan shit on campus (I am too fucking dumb to figure out my own scanner), so expect a lot more art and photos and stuff to be integrated into this site. I'm also gonna be workin on a redesign for this site soon 'cause it looks like your mom's tits. kaosboy loves you.
8:01 PM // react
2:21 AM // react
January 14, 2001
Fellow Amerikans, if you've lost hope in our political system after all this election bullshit, at least you can still bitch slap the supreme court on the internet.|
Or you can go outside and protest your ass off on inauguration day (January 20, 2001). It's fast, fun and (best of all) free (kinda)! Probably a little more effective than those email petitions you get once in a while to save the bunnies in Somalia or something. Just look out for the piggies with riot gear, they tend to fuck with peaceful civilians at things like this. Isn't democracy exciting?!
4:43 PM // react
New SOTM on the noise page. Sounds kinda like ass 'cause I recorded it from my turntable...but doesn't that make it more punk rock?
2:03 PM // react
1:58 PM // react
January 12, 2001
Many thanks to factory512 for mentioning aquabotic.com. Speaking of which, there are now four hidden images in the splash page. Find them and receive a free, 100% unlimited supply of oxygen.
11:52 PM // react
Tonight I did two things:|
01. cut off all my hair
02. told my dad I'm gay
Number 02 was a little bit more difficult than 01. Luckily there was no freaking out, he kinda already knew what I was telling him since I've been hinting at certain stuff with him for like a year. haha, I told him I am attracted to football player type guys and he smiled and said "maybe I can find you one." He's cool and supportive about it and I love him for that. Definitely takes a huge load off my shoulder.
As for my mom, now that's a different story...
3:14 PM // react
11:31 AM // react
January 11, 2001
Much respect to design is kinky, surfstation, and cubadust (hehe funny splash page) for the aquabotic.com linkage yesterday.|
I've gotten some emails about the lack of updates to 321KAOS recently...well lately I have so much other stuff going on (I started it during the summer before I got my job and I was being lazy as crap) that it seems more like a chore than something fun and exciting to update the damn thing. Something I'm supposed to be updating, as opposed to something I honestly want to continue doing. No offense to the contributors at all, you all rock my world...I think what I need to do is redesign the entire thing (the green is starting to stink) and have some other kinda format on there. Start off (minty) fresh with something a little more organized and simple...any ideas?
12:33 AM // react
January 9, 2001
There is a new aquabotic.com design up. Version 0101. Took me a while...headache!! Argh. Don't forget to scroll all the way to the right (there's more stuff over there).
I am back home. LA was fucking awesome! I felt so comfortable there. Big cities are the best things ever!! Ever. I am so tempted to leave school (the new semester is gonna suck some ass) and go out there and get some shitty job, which would get me enough money to have some shitty room to stay in. It's that easy to do, really...ha! yeah right. But if I could go outside and watch the sunset every night, I think I would happy for a very long time.
My grandpa is visiting at my parents' house for the next few weeks. He gets more and more nuts every time I see him. He brought like 80 tubes of denture stuff. And he does this thing when he washes his face...he like fills four paper cups with water and lines them up on the counter. He starts crying and kinda freaking out for no (visible) reason a buncha times a day. My dad yelled at him about the paper cup thing 'cause he was spilling the water all over the carpet. Then he called his dad a "creature of habit." As grouchy and disillusioned as my grandpa is, I feel sorry for the poor old guy. I know he has good intentions.
1:34 AM // react
January 2, 2001
LA is wonderful. Today we saw dolphins in the ocean behind the sunset. I also met Tony, he is very nice and he told me about the one time he punched a girl in the face. haha! Tony is my hero.|
I think I have gained about 80 million pounds since I've been out here. Trust me, that's a lot. Feel my growing squishy gut. I told you! My knee is slowly healing. The weather is fascinating every day. I like taking cliche photos of sunsets that come out very badly. It's all about the memories, you bastards. I found a record at some thrift shop in Ventura that has a bunch of JFK speeches on it and a big photo of his face on the cover.
I feel very comfortable here. Offer me a job here so I can live the big life, goddammit.
9:26 AM // react
It's one of those things where you hate looking at it, but your eyes are glued to it anyway. You become some kinda zombie or something.|
My new years resolution for 2001 is:
Be aggressive. Be more aggressive.
(say it with me)
01 // 2001
09 / 10 / 11 / 12 // 2000
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