December 31, 2000
8:17 PM // react
December 28, 2000
When I got the answer I wasn't expecting, I just sat there in (unexpected) shock, wondering why I can't be allowed to do something on my own for a change without people trying to get a piece of "the pie." Or is it "the cake"? Oh well. I need to know why they expect me to be bouncing off the walls all the time, or why I'm supposed to include them in my quest for destroying redundancy at almost all costs. But I want to have someone to share this with. I want to include them in this. If I am selfish, then it's just a phase, and hopefully I will get over this...right?|
There is a simple answer that I wanted to hear. Just a "I'm happy for you" would've been nice (for a change).
"Not everyone is out to get you. It's all in your mind."
How can I explain the rationale behind me wanting to just get away from my current state of life just to experience something in a semi-spontaneous, holy-shit-I'm-actually-doing-this manner? I want to be alone but at the same time I want to embrace you while you're here and make you feel welcome. I truly hope I'm doing a good job. Wait, did I just say I want to be alone? "Embrace" is so emo-sounding...
Thank you for being there for me. You make me realize that it doesn't take a million dollars or a million people or a million machines...but a few friendly smiles is what has kept my mind in line the past few days. That's so cheesy. Fuck you. I'm going to leave with her soon and see moon goddess #2 (of however many exist). I can't fucking wait to be in the warm weather with warm people (not that the people here aren't warm or anything). Maybe some hot boy will be there waiting for me. Hopefully as horny as me...uh oh, I said it. Shut up Ben. Too many words. That's disgusting.
But I'm coming back. It is only a few days, for crying out loud. In the meantime, I still love you. And please try and stay happy. Please?
PS: happy new year.
6:25 PM // react
December 26, 2000
That's where all my noise compositions will go (plus new ones I've been working on) in a little while, once I actually have more than a few minutes a day to fuck around on the internet (i.e. when I get back to school). Stay tuned, oh patient ones.
8:11 PM // react
December 25, 2000
Happy birthday to me. One more year and I will no longer be a teenage monster.|
Also, new SOTM in the noise section. In dedication to the 5 slices of pizza I ate tonight, and also to my new Levi's jeans. Thank you for being so comfortable.
11:40 PM // react
December 24, 2000
Since when do I actually win a game of family Deluxe Scrabble? I am usually the one who sits there and eats the entire time. But today we played the game and I won the first game (out of two). I think me having control of the music (my bossa nova record & Chopin piano suites by Horowitz in "The Last Recording") had something to do with my strange fortune.|
I didn't prey for his birth and perhaps that's why I didn't get any gifts. I don't really think I need or deserve those kinds of gifts anyway. But I watched people preying on TV and bowing their heads and walking through the holy smoke, and as much as it intrigues me, it doesn't capture me. I can respect your faith, but it doesn't work its "magic" on me. I kinda want it to. Not for the rules and commandments on morality, but for something or someone to look up to when I desire good things to happen to me. Is that selfish? It doesn't matter. It just won't work.
It's a Wonderful Life gets scarier every time I watch it. I saw it once on Thanksgiving and one more time tonight. Which makes two times this year. But right after the end credits (and right after he gets all the money and the little girl goes, "every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings"), the news came on and spoiled "the mood" with details about a group of seven criminal convicts who escaped from prison earlier today. They tried to rob a sporting goods store (they sell guns at sporting goods stores) and they shot a cop. Later tonight, he was pronounced dead by the hospital.
In other news, I was more interested in what the girl with the flowerpot in her hair looked like (after Ricki gave her a "make-under") than the physical state of George W Bush's daughter, who had some kinda surgery today. Am I wrong for thinking like this? Hmm. Maybe I need to admit my sins to the commander in a dim light so he can give me direction...
Fuck that. And fuck the commander. Mr. T is on Conan tonight and I am not missing this because of you. And if you exist then why did I fall and scrape my knee and wrist a few days ago? My knee looks gross. It kinda hurts when I bend it. But it is healing slowly. My dad says it should be fine in a couple weeks. But I want it to heal now. I wanna go outside and run around and do something fun and exciting.
Sitting around all day & watching insane amounts of television reminds me of last summer. And goddammit. I don't wanna think about what happened last summer.
2:34 AM // react
December 21, 2000
To me, nothing secretes the winter holiday spirit like New York City.
11:28 AM // react
December 19, 2000
Maybe I shouldn't have cut (most of) my hair off since it's wintertime now, but anything more than like one centimeter of dark brown slash black hair starts to get on my nerves and I start to spend lots of time on it. Which helps me be late to lots of social and not so social functions. And then people are like "why are you always late?" and I don't wanna say "I had to do my hair" 'cause that makes me sound like a __________.|
But that is not the only reason I am late to everything. And besides, buzzing my own hair makes me feel renewed in a certain way. Sometimes, depending on my mood, I will go outside with my new "doo" and expect people who don't know me to look at me and consider things they've never done before, like skydiving or playing in the brown leaves that fell to the ground because of the cold weather. I look at myself differently, and that is not a good thing or a bad thing.
I will turn nineteen human years in five days and they tell me I am supposed to make a wish. So I will wish for the power to be invisible. Not all the time, but I could have a button where if I pressed it, it would communicate telepathically to other beings that kaosboy does not exist in this reality. I could watch and not be seen. It would be cool. I could climb into people's windows and watch them eat dinner and discuss their workday. Or maybe watch them at work while they're deciding what kind of take out they want from that Chinese food restaurant.
But eventually I might get sick of being invisible. I desire somebody that feels the same way; where we could give each other reasons not to be invisible. We can share our food and our money and our hearts and our lives, and we can think about each other instead of that Chinese food menu. When we are together, nothing is the same anymore, and our brains will void out all the evil things around us when it is bringing us down.
We will be invisible together.
6:25 PM // react
December 18, 2000
6:32 PM // react
What if everything you thought you knew about AIDS was wrong? Something to think about.
2:48 PM // react
King's Ancient Flaw is a poem written by Jorge Cordova, who was executed by George W. Bush on February 10th, 1999 for fatally beating a man during a carjacking in San Antonio 20 years ago.|
As I read this poem, I can hear a rumbling noise from the computer speakers of one of my roommates bleeding through the walls and into my room. He's playing some kinda shoot em up game. Y'know, the realistic 3D ones with all the blood and the cool sound effects and the big weapons to chose from to destroy your enemies. A simulation of real life, I guess; good thing it's just a game. A good way to vent your frustration, perhaps. He plays this game a lot. In fact, I hear the rumbling loud and clear every time I'm in my room. Practice makes perfect? Play all night and sleep all day. Maybe he's a vampire. He told me he won an award for being so good at this game back home. Sometimes other people come over and hook their computers up together so they can fight each other and make loud noises until extremely insane hours of the night (day). He does this really high, annoying voice that really pisses off my other roommate. Kinda reminds me of Miss Piggy.
2:20 PM // react
December 17, 2000
I got an email with some disturbing US presidential statistics:|
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)
It is 20 years later and now my buddy George W. Bush (who I can relate to on a personal level; he's just one of the guys, y'know...why can't people just understand that?) is (almost) in office. So what will happen next?
Now, sarcasm aside, even though Bush is an evil bitch, I don't wish death upon ANYbody, no matter what horrible things they've said and done in the past.
A Bush quote from the Houston Chronicle (August 10, 1999) in reference to the execution of Karla Faye Tucker:
'Please,' Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, 'don't kill me'
12:40 PM // react
12:35 PM // react
December 16, 2000
Steve's redesign and content is kickin ass as usual.
2:32 PM // react
"Maintenance of Invisibility" by kaosboy|
At times like these,
I breathe comfort through your lungs.
Gives me hope
I know what you're doing.
My eyes may be damaged
But I can still see,
I can still think,
I can still taste,
I can still scream.
From the top of my lungs
to the bottom of your bones
From the North, where only angel wings are supposed to take us
To the South, where they say we will all go if we are not good little girls and boys.
The conditions deny our passions
The celebrities distort our visions.
Gravity is no longer relevant
In this reality.
1:41 PM // react
December 15, 2000
1:24 PM // react
December 14, 2000
If anyone wants a free peanut butter and jelly sandwich, we made a bunch and left them in the little park on Guadalupe next to Texas Frenchbread and that...store with the name I can't pronounce correctly. They're under the tree with the lights in a bag and they're wrapped in pink plastic wrap. Help yourself.
9:02 PM // react
"Work like you don't need the money|
Dance like no one's watching
And love like you've never been hurt."
1:50 PM // react
I'm gay. I like men. That means I want every single human being with a penis to sleep with me. Yes, every single man. I don't care who it is; as long as there's a hole, I will fuck it. I will fuck you. I will destroy you and your dignity because I want you so bad. I don't care if I'm not attracted to you. I will close my eyes and pretend likes it's not happening; like you're someone else, someone I want more.|
Because I'm gay. I want every single man out there. Including you. Yes, you. (you know who you are and I want to turn you fucking inside out) 'Cause I'm gay. We're out to get every man out there. Watch your fucking back.
Thank you. Really.
3:20 AM // react
December 13, 2000
1:51 AM // react
December 12, 2000
3:37 PM // react
the Impossibles / "Gone 4 Good"|
time to turn outside in
fall breaks down to begin again
shivering hands can not hold
longing can not keep us from the cold
we teach ourselves to live
without the things we once thought we'd never give up
taking turns, deconstruct
recreate, redesign, recorrupt
and you take half my heart,
forever yours to tear apart Angel,
has gone for good,
1:11 PM // react
3:24 AM // react
December 11, 2000
A.R.T.F.A.G.: Artificial Replicant Trained for Fighting and Accurate Gratification|
That's what I am, according to this.
(thank you E.R.N.I.E.)
8:30 PM // react
This new Strike Anywhere record (Chorus of One) is kicking my ass. Fast, energetic as hell melodic hardcore; like if AFI had little punk rock babies with Hot Water Music and Kid Dynamite.|
Actually, I remember they toured with Hot Water a little while ago and I was like "eh, I'm too tired to go...who the hell is Strike Anywhere anyway? Probably some shitty emo band or something..." I punch myself. In the stomach, where it hurts. I can just imagine the fists in the air at their shows. Mine would be up there too. With a camera in my hand, of course...
6:36 PM // react
December 10, 2000
I have been working on a new design for a site I do for this band the Mr. T Experience. It took me so fucking long to make that goddamn orange/grey image, and then it takes like a millisecond to load in my browser. Fellow web-designers, please cry with me.
8:57 PM // react
I figured the meaning of life: naked men jumping all over me. The question is: why aren't they jumping all over me? Anybody have any ideas?|
Maybe I should ask the person who searched for "fags getting fucked in the ass" for more insight.
5:52 PM // react
December 9, 2000
I love kids. I love little, annoying, loud, curious kids. I want to take a little girl or boy to the park and go fishing and feed the squirrels and talk about our favorite colors (and why).|
I really hope this homosexuality phase wears off soon so I can have a couple of my own one day...
2:44 PM // react
12:32 PM // react
If you don't see Requiem for a Dream, kaosboy's gonna kick your fucking ass. Or maybe just tap you lightly on the shoulder or something. It is absolutely brilliant. Darren Aronofsky is a fucking genius. Pi kicked my mental and visual ass, and Requiem fucked with my mind all over the place. Awesome movie. Go see it now.
12:19 PM // react
December 7, 2000
Goddammit. I fucked up yesterday. It wasn't the first time this has happened. I got there 30 minutes late, but I still had a few chances to talk to him. I could've just said something about the paper I had just signed ('cause everyone else was signing it), or asked him if I got the wrong final exam study guide ('cause it said "1999" on it), or maybe just "hi" or something. But no sounds came out of my mouth. Or my mind.|
If I am so "spontaneous" and "outgoing" then why couldn't I think of one thing to say to him all year? I guess I don't wanna fuck things up and say something dumb. Every sentence, phrase, and word should be perfect. Right?
But what's the fucking point if I don't say anything at all? Maybe it's better to say something dumb than to stay silent. At least I'd be honest with myself.
11:12 PM // react
haha that rocks.|
OK lemme try to beat you on gayness, Eddie.
The other day I was in the bagel shop and, well, I sorta have this crush on a beautiful boy that works there. So I'm sitting there and my friend hands me this flyer for a party at her house next Saturday. I'm just sitting there, drooling all over the place every time he walks by. I keep saying dumb things like "god I just wanna grab..." and "should I go up to him and..." etc etc and eventually my friend (withe the party flyers) goes "screw this, I'm gonna give him a flyer for the party," or something like that.
She got up and realized how long the line was, so she didn't actually get to give him a flyer for the party (jesus christ, I don't think I'd be able to control myself if I went to a party and he was there too...OK now you have permission to laugh at me). I said something like, "god, this is soooo Felicity." Eek. I think I was commenting on the whole stereotypical WB-teen-drama-ish scene we were creating...where the guy is too shy to say anything to the boy he likes, so his friend was gonna ask him to a party at her house so the two boys can hook up. Actually I've only seen that show like twice, and I can't fucking stand Dawson's Creek. Are there any of those teen drama shows that have queer characters in them?
Anyway. I must admit I sounded unusually fruity; and I thought I was so "straight-acting"! What the??
I immediately said "oh geez, that was like the gayest thing I've ever said." I like making fun of myself. It's just too easy.
I just realized that this story has no point and I might've offended gay people if there are any who happen to be reading this right now. I hope I didn't. Well now you have an excuse to post a comment in the "react" thing! C'mon, do it. Now. kaosboy loves you.
8:45 PM // react
OK I think the BlogVoices thing should be working now. Click on the "react" link next at the top of any entry and a new pop-up window should come up where you can make fun of how fucked up my shoes are. Try it out and lemme know if you have any problems or weird error messages or something.|
Oh, and sorry I called you people "fuckers" a couple posts ago. Fuckers. :)
2:32 PM // react
"Paralysis" by kaosboy|
A pair of eyes which meet at random
Is the gateway to fulfillment?
Your radiation controls me;
Rains on me, paralyzes me.
Traps me in my own cage...
The key is in your hands.
2:20 AM // react
December 6, 2000
If I had one of these things on this site where you could post your thoughts, compliments and fuckyous after any of my "blog" entries, would you use it? I think this is a pretty neat feature; I'm a total sucker for technology and cool shit like this. Yes or No?|
Not to sound like I'm now Mr. Pimp Tight or anything, but according to my statistics, this site is now getting quite a few unique vistors a day. Well, an abnormal amount (for me). But none of you fuckers ever email me or anything. ;)
But seriously, I think this sort of thing can be fun. You can write about how ugly Joey from N Sync is, or about how I'm never gonna get that bagel shop boy to like me...without cluttering the guestbook.
*ahem* SYNTHIA *ahem*
hehe OK I'm in a weird mood right now. I've eaten way too much candy today. I think I should go to sleep before I break something.
2:32 PM // react
My camera's flash broke last night at the show, dammit. Any photo dorks out there know of a good, relatively economical (or whatever) camera flash good for live band photography and other nighttime (and not so nighttime) stuff? Lemme know.
3:02 AM // react
OK. Jim rules and I need sleep.
2:49 AM // react
December 5, 2000
Awesome show last night. Brother's Keeper headlined at this tiny bar. Really small show. Not exactly what I thought it was gonna be like. But it was totally cool 'cause I like smaller shows anyway.|
Martyr AD played as well, they were really tight. I love seeing a band I've heard little about before and then getting completely blown away by 'em. Really hectic, complex stuff. Like a more speed-metal Dillinger Escape Plan or Cave-In (the older, screamier stuff), with the singer from Coalesce or something. Totally insane shit. I love it.
4:15 PM // react
"You only live once, Ben..."|
You are so right.
4:07 PM // react
December 4, 2000
Well, it seems as though the bank likes to fuck with her. Dang. C'mon, give her a break. She is obsessed with the blond guy from Silverchair, she doesn't know any better. ;)|
(you know I love you)
How the fuck did that bee get in my room?
2:50 PM // react
12:31 PM // react
December 3, 2000
I see him and I get tense. I cannot even finish any sentences without trailing off. I probably look like the biggest idiot, standing there in line, smiling like a fucking shithead and once in a while making an excuse to look over at him. And then pretending like I'm looking at something else.|
The one in my history class sat behind me last time. I see him and my mind just stops working, I swear. Sigh. He looks so different from me. I don't even know if he likes boys. Maybe he just sits near me to get the natural lighting from the window...
I am too shy. Or something. I can usually think of something to say with anybody, except when it comes to boys I like. What the fuck. What if they like girls and they wanna kick my ass for trying to "make a move" on them or something? "No way man, I'm not gay." Hmmph.
I'm sure any veteran queer person reading this is laughing out loud and my naive-ness. It's OK, I probably would be too. Well, maybe.
I saw that movie The Broken Hearts Club the other night and I guess I could kinda relate to the "newbie" kid (even though he was a shitty actor). Except I don't know any gay people here (that I know of). So no one can really make fun of me for being so naive to what I'm supposed to be as a gay male. I sound like I'm criticizing the gay "scene." Maybe I am. Urrgh. I make no sense.
On a semi-different note, that movie was kinda crappy (somewhat predictable), but it had the hottest extras ever. My goodness. I'd watch it again just to look at the guys in the background...
3:22 PM // react
Well I think the MyPlay mp3 locker finally bit the dust. But I put a new section called "song of the moment" on the noise page. I'll update it whenever I feel like it. I love that fucking song.
2:15 PM // react
December 2, 2000
There is a third photo composition in the art section. Thanks, Jim, for the completely flattering email! I think my photos are mostly crap, but ah well. It's nice to hear some encouraging words once in a while.|
You saw Oingo Boingo live?!? Argh. You bastard. :)
3:13 PM // react
I re-did the blackmail section. Added a few new photos of myself. Be warned: aliens are weird-lookin.|
And please, no stalking. Unless you are Joey from N Sync.
1:28 PM // react
I really admire Jim's writing. Very train-of-thought-ish. I dig it.
1:09 PM // react
December 1, 2000
Bush and Gore are pretty good dancers. I was listening to the Beatles song "Because" and that DEVO midi came on at exactly the same tempo. Both songs were actually in time with each other. Sounded kinda cool.|
Speaking of Bush and Gore, boy did I have a fucked up dream last night. The first part was my family going grocery shopping together, and I was getting my five-finger-discount on, and my parents saw me but were cool about it. Weird.
So the grocery shopping had a purpose, we were bringing food to this presidential campaign/hockey match thing. Some celebrity was there (I was on Gore's side) and we had this whole thing planned out where the celebrity would go in (something tells me it was Demi Moore) and then all the Bush people (who had really bad teeth) would come out and try to physically attack us.
But we were peaceful, and I remember for each political issue we brought up, one of us would hit the hockey puck at Bush's goalie. He (or she) really sucked at goalie. Even I scored a goal! I can't remember my issue though...
The dream was really long. Well, longer than usual. Maybe I should go to sleep listening to the Beatles' "Because" on repeat more often.
5:00 PM // react
3:11 AM // react
09 / 10 / 11 / 12 // 2000
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