june 18, 2001
living legends - melancholy manuscripts
negative NEGATIVE negative negative neggagtuiiiiiiiiivee nagtive negative!!$!@# negative negativej negative
father's day is hardly father's day at all with my folks. they cook something on the grill, maybe some kinda meat that's a little fancier than usual. i sit there rather silently until my mom starts talking about how girls can't be just friends with boys. i love my mom to death. she's so cute when she says stuff like that. but at the same time i'm trying not to bite and criticize the extremely different social world she grew up in. that's just not fair.
remember that girl i talked about yesterday? haha, my mom thinks she's my girlfriend. since we spend so much time with each other. then out of no where my dad's like "well, ben, i think she likes you, 'cause of the way she acts around you" ahhh! even my parents think we're a couple.
so i'm just like "nah it's not like that. i mean, i like her a lot, but i'm just not...attracted to her" and they just sit there for a second. in my head i was continuing that statement with "and i guess it makes sense that i'm not attracted to her 'cause, well, i'm not attracted to girls" but my lips were too busy chewing grilled chicken (i'm the worst vegetarian ever haha) and my mind was too busy being a lame ass pussy bitch. haha! ah well.
oh yeah, and chicken is a vegetable. which makes me still a vegetarian. good night.
i experienced my first double feature movie last night. 'twas a night of mel brooks movies and bugs bunny cartoons and comfy coffee shops and new mosquito bites. madeline kahn rules my galaxy! like the part where she sees the monster's penis and she's like "oh my god" and then they start getting it on, and she starts singing (i guess to symbolize extreme pleasure?)
it's kinda funny how we're always trying to think of new ways to show everyone that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. i mean, we pretty much are, minus the kissing and the...other stuff couples do (?). we have this magical imagination world in which everyone wants us, haha, but when they see us jokingly flirt with each other, they're like "damn, they're going out" and then they don't come over to get it on with us and get our phone numbers and stuff. ha!
ok, so we get pretty close sometimes. fuck, i mean if i saw us somewhere, i'd probably think we're a couple too. maybe that's more of a good thing than a bad thing; a symbol of ultimate trust and comfort? i dunno. or maybe i just need a shirt that says "she's not my girlfriend, goddammit." with an arrow pointing to her.
don't wanna overthink every little thing, yet don't wanna accept that everything doesn't always work out like it's supposed to. but i know i need to. use your brain, smart ass. don't just accept, but embrace the imperfections. step back and look yourself in the mirror once in a while. raw honesty over plasticity.
i tell myself "that's just part of the fun." keeps me optimistic.
damn. i gotta pee. and i really fucking want a strawberry milkshake and fries. oh yeah, and i don't ever wanna grow up. dammit tinkerbell, where the hell are you? i need you i need you.
on monday, i got my first flowers from another person, a girl. nonono no it's not like that. i like boys dammit. she's a good friend, a really good friend.
attached to the flowers was "i'm sorry i'm sorry" and a buncha other nice stuff on a piece of notebook paper. my eyes got kinda foggy. i'm such a pussy ha! so i wrote her back on a piece of printer paper, a two-columned letter with a small colorful representation of her name sketched at the top. purple faded to blue and then green, with a pinkish red cloud (on the outside).
i stuck the letter in an old converse all-stars shoe box (red hi-tops) along with my small stuffed polar bear. i love that thing, it's so fucking cute. one day, i want my own polar bear, or maybe a panda bear. they'd have cute lil bear babies and they'd jump on me and lick my face and run around the living room and shit all over the place and stuff.
i'm sad to see my little polar bear go, but i know it will be in good hands with her.
she would come over and see my polar bear and suddenly get this huge smile on her face. we both love baby animals. it's in our blood or something.
so i drove with my dad to her house, 20 minutes away. i knew she wouldn't be there 'cause she's at this show. the band with that "yellow" song. i hopped out of the car and left it on the front doorstep of her house, then i quickly walked back to the car and drove away. like a ninja! no one saw me, i don't think.
i really really hope she likes the polar bear and personal letter (i put "i'm sorry i'm sorry" in mine too). not exactly flowers, but good enough. right?