june 29, 2002


/a type of stereo, an existence

it seemed as though there were a million stairs to climb, i was one of the first ones up and i could feel my heart pounding and my lunch dissipating via a study of sweat molecules. atop the big hill, and after the military maching band played their loungey tunes (with old ladies clapping and laughing and shouting for an encore), we could see the separation between north and south korea. we were instructed to take photos only of the beach and the parts of land in front of the barbed wire, while the rest of the land, the demilitarized zone, was forbidden.

now apple soda travels and sits in my paunch like a parrot who cannot speak. i paid about 3 bucks for a huge ass meal of bibimbap and mandu from a friendly korean woman, the eyes of the "be the reds" kids travelling with us as we found our seats. our shirts both scream the korean flag and we both have korean moms, but here we make jokes about mexican and native american heritages as if they are our own.

crushing down on a new white face with blue eyes and hardsome powerful pose, waiting in line to pay a grand fee. lots of native folks around seoul with bad breath but shiney faces and wonderful lungs...and amidst the crowds engaging in steamy heavy commerce i recognize a blind guardian song and talk of songs about elven warriors and cunning thieves.

i signed up for calligraphy and secretly wish to sign up to win his affection. please dont smell my breath 'cause it will burn you.


> 5 reactions




june 25, 2002


/everything is individually wrapped

wandering through forests and ponds and buddhist temples with a group of korean americans and a few whiteys, finding many beautiful rice fields and important clouds along the way. i've realized the past few days that i'm still kinda closeted, but it's not too big a deal. i've been hanging out with a few girls and i dont think theyd care if i said i like the boner but for some reason i dont like to say anything about it. it's ok i have time time will tell.

my roommate for the brief trip around south korea talks about gays more than i do, so do those girls i've been hanging out with. we played a neverending game of uno one night while watching a really shitty move with gary busey or whoever the fuck. note to self: buy a pack of uno cards.

anxious to see what my photographs reveal, feeling the constant urge to photograph every dead radiator in seoul that seems to hum, lying on the streets in piles and piles of waste...kinda getting annoyed at those loud korean american girls that ask the same dumb questions and talk about shopping and expensive hair products. i dont like to be big and strong and in the way most of the time 'cause i dont wanna get on anyone's nerves, especially those without programmed patience but with overly permed and dyed hair.

our tour guide at the big car factory caught me taking photos, which isnt allowed (for our safety), but i secretly think it's a scam, they just dont want me starting a big car corporation using visual samples of their machinery for my financial hyper acceleration purposes only.

it's like when i got kicked out of drug fair in jersey for taking photos of mishka with a vertical but not so horizontal scottie pippen; always in close proximity to the prescription drugs.


> 4 reactions




june 19, 2002


/it's killin us kids
enon - count sheep

i stumbled into the tiny theater, showing that moth movie with richard gere, i couldnt understand any of the korean on the signs so i just handed 4000 won through a slit in a boarded window and it disappeared, quickly replaced by a small ticket. i read that this particular theater is a "cruising" place, something i've never been to before. i'm not really sure why i went there because quick hook ups in dark grungy places with 40 year old men arent quite my style, i guess i just wanted to. umm. see. if.

long story short, these two guys to my left and right kept trying to touch me, it made me very uncomfortable, the guy to my right was 40 something and spoke a little english, he kept asking me if he could touch me "just for minute" and when i said no he kept trying, it was mondo creepy and shady so i got up and left, only a few minutes into the movie.

fuck richard gere anyway, he's overrated.

last night my uncle invited me and a few of his airline colleagues to watch the korea vs. italy world cup game in o'kims (haha), this "irish pub" in a really fancy pants hotel in downtown seoul. i snacked on a couple packs of kimbap (i.e. korean california rolls) made by these cute girls on the street for about 80 cents each, took a few photos of the incredible mass of red shirts and blow up soccer balls and almond shaped eyes that filled up the streets to watch the game on a big ass screen. the game ruled 'cause my people won, and everyone in the bar was going bonkers. even american and australian people had "be the reds" tshirts on. wannabes! i drank some beer and ate overpriced munchies and spent a lot of time looking at the american guy at the bar. no not that one, but the one with the ass.

yeah that one.

ps: why is everything so fucking hard to find in seoul
pss: i wear coloured undies now.


> 8 reactions




june 17, 2002


/be the reds
outkast - liberation

so far two people caught me taking photos of their rotting beautiful little shops and have questioned me. why are you taking photos of a dirty blue and white wall covered by a mask of smelly garbage? i struggled to think of how to say "because it's interesting" in korean, so i just gave up. he laughed and told me the police will arrest me (insert visor-wearing car mechanic's impersonation of a policeman handcuffing his wrists here) if i take photos of buildings/businesses, but trees, for example, are safe subjects. plants ok, businesses not ok. check.

last night around (polluted) sunset me and samchun went over to the nearby middle school with a partially deflated baskeball to play on the sandy old bball court, little kids playing soccer to our right. i was a bit rusty, havent played the ball in a couple years, but these three korean guys asked me to play with them and i hesitated (potential for embarassment) but joined their game. man my people suck at bball, ha, they called me "hanguk jason kidd" (hanguk = korean), and also invited me to play with them every night at 6pm. maybe i will lose my paunch in korea after all.

i spent most of today at lotte world, a crazy theme park in seoul. tried a kimchi burger from lotteria, a fast food joint, the fries were kinda gross and the rice stuck to my fingers leaving an unfamiliar film...then watched this cute american guy (with cute korean girl, rats) ice skate in the indoor rink, while little kids were speed skating in the middle.

i miss husky gentle powerful american men please please mail me some.


> 5 reactions




june 16, 2002


/jesus sent them to destroy me
funny korean techno, bombs

my brother and mom are back in america and i am with my samchun, my uncle, in northern seoul korea for about a week before my intensive language shit happens. i am at "interguy" where there are funny anime characters and lots of loud korean teenagers playing war games and clearing their throats.

perhaps they are clearing their throats because of the air pollution. this morning samchun took me and my brother to seoul tower, the tallest building in seoul, where we went up to the top (under the revolving restaurant) and saw a nice view of the entire city. you can make out the neverending buildings just partially through the layers and layers of foggy tannish polluted air right above them.

i caught a gross cold in nangdaemun market, which shouldnt be too difficult with all the crazed koreans and tourists gentling shoving each other to the side if they dont take their money out fast enough. breathing is difficult.

the afternoon of the usa vs. poland world cup game, we drove to daejon and went to the expo center, which was an amazing experience. the place was virtually empty, it was very creepy. everything was rusting and dusty and rotten, none of the waterfountains worked, the workers looked sleepy, the robotic voices in the dark science centers muffled themselves as if they were trying to tell us "leave now while you still can." we watched a crappy but cute 3D movie called "dinky dinosaur" where all the dinosaurs spoke korean, which made me giggle. my uncle answered his cell phone during the movie, which made me giggle too. dinky found his mother. and then we stumbled onto the international intelligent robot festival, where little kids played with amazing functional robots and won prizes.

however, the expo center is brilliantly photogenic, full of amazing minimal "futuristic" designs and patterns and cheap unshined metal pieces. complete symmetry and balance amingst the rust and abandonment. my brother and i agreed that we should come back one day to film a bad horror movie there.

my time is up here, and now the lady with loud slippers is looking at me. bye kiddos.


> 2 reactions




june 9, 2002


/why are all the ramones dying
aqua - back from mars

leaving for korea in a few hours and i hear they have plentiful internet access there so expect updates and shit.

plus i will be taking tons of photographs and making lots of dumb sketches of karaoke bars and noodle shops and anime kids and old people in their gardens and other interesting crap, so i'll share some personal findings with you hookers soon. and maybe some std's too if i'm feeling yknow in the mood.

and shit

ps: hot men shop at wal-mart


> 5 reactions




june 8, 2002


/i'm on cipro but not for anthrax
meshuggah - by emptyness abducted

it's not the same it's not the same but it is but it is, just give it a chance.

the nurse poked my arm about 100 times with different allergens, and the ones that turned out negative, 32 of them, would be injected into a small section of my arm. macho men on ricki lake laughed at me in unison, a controlled experiment involving that itch you cant scratch...a macho man goes "men are better than women" and the nurse shakes her head, stabs my arm 32 more times, and hums "are you listening to this?"

pizza and three friendly girls asking me what my ideal man is like: "a football player who's in a haiku writing class and plays guitar in a metal band" i will eat you faster than three slices of cheese and a cup of water in which ice melts quickly, restlessly.

i leave for my homeland on monday morn. the korea. i spotted a 'coon trying to eat up some trash with the headlights of a borrowed minivan from the girl who lays on the couch, watching those nickelodeon cartoons with the bad drawings and annoying squeaky voices. nauseous in feeling and stagnant in movement. i wonder if magnolia wasnt the best movie to show someone in subtle pain. frogs falling from the sky and smashing the windshield, coke sniffing, cunt taming, seduce and destroy...and the best part of y tu mama tambien was when the two guys jerked off together on opposite diving boards and their ejaculation made an echoey noise when it hit the surface of the pool. my mouth widened, we have now reached official stimulation.


> 1 reaction




june 3, 2002


/good lord please tell me how to feel
south - from here on in

earlier that night, after spilling the difficult details, i asked him to sing that lionel ritchie song for me, the one that was on the radio that he said he'd been practicing. so he worked his karaoke magic and sang the song for me, plus a few, a little off pitch but in his usual beautiful countryish tone nonetheless. i sat there fixed on his closed passionate baby blue eyes, the lyrics he didnt need on his new big screen tv; my eyes open, trying desparately to avoid further precipitation.

last night i broke it off, after almost a year of relationship goodness and occasional glitches, i sobbed my way to sleep (like a man) on his couch while watching a pbs documentary on queer households. the room was faintly illuminated with a soft sea green ambient glow, his monstrous beautiful wooden fish tank, the fish watching me and protecting me as i slept there alone, in a ball.

i decided it would be better for me and for him. i'm only 20, i'm not ready to put any rings on my fingers or take our kids to soccer camp in our teal ford explorer, to find out one morning that camp was cancelled due to thunderstorm warnings. i need to get out there and experiment and see how i function under many different circumstances, see what happens and what develops, what makes me whimper and nod in calm happy silence, what makes me scream with laughter and pain, what makes me develop wings and mechanical limbs.

i was in the form of a silly and cliche emotional robot this morning when he dropped me off, spinning my smiths the queen is dead lp and marking territory on my pillow with tears. derek told me that the album is perfect for these situations, the way the songs build up to a FUCK YOU and then i love you and then fading out when, finally, the feelings are sedated and unbelievably clear.

the stuffed animals on my bed enjoyed my stupid drama, as always.

normally i dont consider myself a very dramatic person, but i've never really reacted like this before. it's like something has passed away, a family standing motionless and silent around the coffin, wondering why the curious corpse gave up so soon.

and to be honest i feel like a fucking creep. sob sob.

forgive me god, please, for i think i broke his heart.


> 2 reactions



/i touched ryan idol 3 times
komputer - the world of tomorrow

yes thats right so i was a smartass punk mother fucker to ryan idol, yes, fucking ryan idol no pun intended har har. plus chris steele was there with his shirt off making me horny but he wasnt as funny as mister idol. i sweettalked ryan into autographing my farmers hat for free (paying money for a signature is silly), and then posing for a couple photos on my baby pentax k1000 with wide angle lens. long live the photograph! ryan idol is a very fucking handsome friendly and kinda macho man. brilliant blue eyes and thick body making out with a heavily breathing white tank top...

he told me "it's not about the destination, but the journey." which i've heard a million times before. but it's different when a famous porn star says it while shaking your hand. for the third time.

(girly giggle)


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june 2, 2002


/proof that you're still breathing
4 hero - golden solitude

fatherly wisdom eating my extra mild ribs like a ton of feathers with honey brown maple syrup binding the bone structure together in unified elegance and focused fragrance. he has an answer for all of my dumb questions, and pokes my love handles with a "boy you're clumsy" whilst showing me how to pump gas into the white rich white family car. he cleaned it earlier today and it looks and smells really nice.

all his jewish torah-reading menorah-lighting ass ate all day was a few frozen cottage cheese blintzes (strikingly similar to kaosboy's eating patterns), so we tore up buffet palace after my 9 point something hours of restless moneymaking work. i like how we can talk like normal human beings now, meaning exercising our remaining hairs beyond the worldly practical advice that bleeds from his bald ass head. silent but deadly appreciation. go on...

he tells me of amish kids who are "released" when they are in their mid-teens into the real world, and how these amish teen girls were interviewed...they had a taste of booze pot and peewees, and dressed in the latest provocative tiny wear, yet they still felt an unconditional attachment to their original amish lifestyle. in fact after facing the consequences of fucking with reality, 80% of "released" teenage amish kids return to the amish standards of life. it's their duty in life i guess; no electric machines or seduction spelled with neon lights or blow up dolls or female strippers with lice tangled in their chest and pit hairs.

i mean, who needs all this silly shit anyway.


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