so as you can visualize on your machine(s), i have created a new layout. the format has been converted to: one day's worth of entries on the main index page and then all the older crap is moved into the arkiv for further viewing. lemme know what you think, and also if you figure out why the images arent lining up on the arkiv index page, it's buggin me. thanks.


> 4 reactions



/why are they called "wifebeaters"?
electric light orchestra - across the border

the art i have been creating and leaving on the bulletin board of the coffeeshop has been mysteriously disappearing, i am not quite sure where it could have gone but alas, it is in the hands of someone else. or perhaps a garbage disposal, or maybe someone is using it as a doormat. my first piece of public artwork, a page from an optical art coloring book (colored in between the lines with crayons), was there for quite a while. we went there last night, and my new drawing was gone.

it was a fuckd up looking face with rushed colors (colored pencil) and ink outlines, a face with orange hair, i believe, and a reddish-orange spikey mustache, inspired by the evil villain in sonic the fucking hedgehog. i know where i would like the drawing to be, in the posession of you-know-who. my dreams tell me this. i like thinking about these goodygumdrop things, especially at work, the mailroom, which i have completed. it kept me awake and sometimes i would sit there shuffling those envelopes and humming weezer's blue album to myself (with an extended version of "only in dreams" complete with improvised mental guitar solo). amidst some fantasy world in which he smiles at me and we go to the park for picnics and swimming and cuddling sessions, then we fly ourselves to the moon in our rocketship for two, not 3, not 4, stay away stayfuckingaway

whoa i think this permanent black marker is getting to my head. permanent ink is the question, whether i wanna embark on this mission or not is up to my senses. possibly shifting frequencies, she doesnt want them, i kinda do, my bro says do it where it's not visible to the naked eye, dunno what i'd tell my folks...i always used to joke about getting a broken heart inked on my arse, where each buttcheek carries one half of the broken heart. suddenly my mind shifted to a polar bear kissing a panda bear. where did my mind go?

speaking of my bubbly ass, they are now enslaved by boxer briefs, which my father purchased for me at the mall today. the what? i got the metropolis dvd 'cause it rules & it was only like 7 bucks. boxer briefs make me feel sexxxy, which cydne agrees with because the members of n sync wear boxer briefs too. oh joey you tear up my fucking heart boyfriend!!!!!!! "lolz!" i am also toting a wifebeater, something i never thought i'd wear. i wore it to the pool with my homemade "she's *not* my girlfriend sticker" on it. 'cause she's not. goddammit.

do you have issues with your nipples?


> 3 reactions




july 23, 2001


/waterparks + kaosboy = divaz 4eva
oingo boingo - california girls

waterparks rule. did you know? two girls birthdays were close to each other in date, so a crew of us went to that waterpark with the strange name. all the rides had strange names too. i didnt know most of the people's names, or who they were, ah well. my future boyfriends were shirtless and all over the place! haha...i have decided that i want a waterpark in my backyard, maybe this can be my birthday present this year. take note, santa(s).

my favorite waterpark attraction is the one where you get on the tube and go really fast spinning round and round. haha, the lifeguard with braces was flirting with my friend and i was like "dude give him your number!" i screamed "JESUS RULES" going down one time. i think it made me go faster!

while driving back, there was this cowboy lookin guy in this white pickup truck that passed us. i saw him turn around and look at us. then he like slowed down and got into the right lane and then sped up again to catch up to us. we looked over at him and he was licking his middle finger and looking back at us! all of us screamed like the women we are, it was ass hilarious. then he got back into the left lane and caught up to us again and i was like "ok this time dont fucking look over" but we did anyway, and he did it again!! haha i have that image permanently embedded into my head, kinda like joey fatone's hot ass.

wow so my i'll-do-anything-for-money ass is back in the mailroom shuffling those motherfondling envelopes into mail bins. i am planning a bus trip to this certain city in the midwest, maybe getting my first tattoo, and visiting a certain girl who lets me touch her breasts (i let her touch my _____, it's fun). then i gotta go to that deep southern state and get some southern fried lovin i have been deprived of for nearly 2 years. kinda scared and anxious and interested to see if anybody treats me differently now that my...secret is out. who knows maybe i'll be very surprised by their behavior.

phew. good thing i'm still "straight acting"...


> 7 reactions




july 21, 2001


/and i'll cry if i want to
focus - house of the king

birthday party #01 was a lot of fun, even though i didnt know most of those people, and i was the only boy. we went to 2 different supermarkets to get our food products, and while i was returning the shopping cart, i saw two good looking guys walking out together, hugging and being all close and shit. it was cool 'cause i never see that kinda stuff in public. so i was smiling like awww and then we're driving out and i look at their car and they're kissing hardcore inside their car! i was like TURN AROUND I WANNA SEE but those bastard women were like BEN YOU PERV haha

we got back and watched snatch and i ate two and a half hot dogs, one hamburger, two helpings of beans, one helping of potato salad, two containers of ice cream and sherbet, 3 cokes (one ginger ale), 2 pickles, one pepperoni roll, a handful of grapes, and one slice of chocolate cheesecake. my stomach rules.

the next day, today, i weighed myself and i am 3 pounds heavier. must consume more!!

then there was birthday party #02 today. we were going to see that romantic comedy and eat dinner there, but it was sold out as fuck so we went to this salad place and i ate 2 plates of salad (with helpings) and some vegetable beef soup. it wasnt one of those restaurants you eat in where the waiters wear bowties and sing happy birthday to embarass your table in a good way, but i asked our waiter to sing it anyway. and he refused, that jerk.

ha so then we went to 2 other theaters and couldnt find an opening for the romantic comedy we wanted to watch. off to the bowling alley we went, 2 games. his parents had coupons. his dad is goofy, and his mom was my awesome calculus teacher in high school! teachers are people too, isnt that fuckd up?? i thought they were all trolls that eat live goats and sheep for breakfast. but no, they have bowling coupons, just like normal people.

bowling rules, i bowled over 100 each game, which i have never accomplished before. i saw the bassist from a local hardcore band there. i wonder if he is a good bowler. we kept entering in new names for each other into the computer, such as "hoochie pride" and "danny tanner" and "rainin men" (i did my limp wrist for them). during the second game, the lights went out and there was suddenly a light fog and everything started to glow in the dark, especially my old ass mu330 tshirt. and she didnt have socks so she had to buy a pair from the sock vending machine! haha!! freak. :-P


> 3 reactions




july 17, 2001


/one of those things
refused - life support addiction

now patrons i have one of those things, updated whenever and however. open communication device at will.

lately. reminiscing with friends over a small plastic telecommucations device known as "telephone" ever think about how simple everyday words can sometimes seem very strange to sound out with your mouth? once in a while, i find difficulty in spelling small words like "through" such as in the phrase "do you wanna go in or just go through the drive-thru" which sometimes is difficult!

but otherwise, i am reminded of him, and as a result, of what he did to her way back when, and my left love handle is like "c'mon ben give it another chance" but the right one is like "fuck that. you've given him plenty of chances. besides, it's not about what you say, but what you do." i dont like to live with unresolved situations but sometimes being right in the middle at the wrong time and seeing how helpless and dizzy she was, and how her mind was so fuckd, her eyes gasping for oxygen. and how his eyes so cold and manipulative, staring into hers with spiraling venomous bluff. i can only imagine what she felt, how she breathed, holding onto to almost nothing. no choices, shut your fucking mouth, close your fucking eyes, and obey my every command because no one else may communicate or share their life with you, and i dont wanna fucking hear it.

you'll smile when i fucking say you will.

i love her and i miss her and sometimes i wonder why i'm wasting my time crushing on boys when there is this beauty so unconditional and horrifyingly perfect in this smiling face. if there is one than there must be another, perhaps, with a different smiling face and a similar beauty wrapped in a distinct individual but modest blanket.

i used to love those electric blankets, they had wiring in them, which made them heavy. but damn were they warm. and it got cold up in the mountains. we had to move away from there 'cause those kids broke into our house and stole our movies and board games, and worst of all, my teenage mutant ninja turtles action figure collection. the old ones. forgive my ass. haha. bastards.


> 4 reactions




july 11, 2001


/dude, where's my car?
grade - stolen bikes ride faster

car towing is supposed to be one of those things that you hear about happening to other people, but it's never supposed to actually happen to you. i was enjoying my bagel with cream cheese, and to them their nachos. well when we got outside, something seemed very odd when her car was no longer in the parking space. it was funny in a fuckd up way, even she was laughing. just couldnt help it. and couldnt stop.

towed. so her mom came and picked our giggly asses up from the 24 hr diner, then called the towing place. they turned out to be located in the like the middle of freakin nowhere texas. like, even past the new airport. way past. we got some vague directions and got in the other girl's car. four of us, two girls and two boys, including me. still laughing.

we ended up getting lost like 3 times on the way out there. i think it's funny when people pretend to know what they're doing but they really dont. like me. i didnt know where the fuck we were, so i just played drums on her legs in the backseat, while she argued with him about the correct directions to the towing place. i kept looking at the other girl and rolling my eyes and laughing, not that it helped it or anything. besides. air drums is a lot more fun than arguing.

on some narrow country road with no lights and maybe an abandoned gas station every 10 minutes or so. the girls were relating our location to those movies where teenagers are driving at night in the middle of nowhere, and they get molested or abducted by aliens or something. in fact, i welcomed the alien abduction concept, though it wasnt quite as popular with anybody else. randomly i would do my deep scratchy "i'm gonna get you" voice, and the girls would be like BEN STOP THAT man girls are so gullible and emotional.

ha so eventually we actually found the towing place, talk about scary. it was really dusty and not very well lit, so all the cars behind the gated area looked like they were about to come to life and destroy us or something. there was one guy in the whole place, sitting there inside this tiny building, with a mustache and slicked hair. he didnt look very happy about his job at all. lonely? so i asked him how old the 7-UP machine behind the fence was. and my friends suddenly burst out laughing, i guess at how random my question for him was. and i guess it was.

but he didnt answer my question! probably rolled his eyes and shook his head, thinking we were just some stoopid ass teenagers who stay out really late and do juvenile things for fun. and he's pretty much right. but still. i really wanted to know. 'cause the 7-UP machine was covered in dust and the little sign said 60 cents. nowadays it's like a dollar fifty or something.

she had to pay like $121 something in cash. and she got her beloved white minivan back. she was all paranoid that they went through the car and stole stuff. the rear view mirrors were kinda oddly misplaced. but their cowboy hats were still in there. bless jesus.


> 3 reactions




july 8, 2001


/strawberry soda is kinda gross
the mr t experience - i'd do anything for you

the day of american independence was actually pretty fun. my parents and her mom and sis and i went downtown and sat on 3 blankets in the park, eating traditional korean and american foodstuff. foodstuffs. i have decided that i eat a lot. i'm beefing up for the fall season, dude. like, everyone was done eating, and i sat there, looking around, barely half full, stuffing myself. food is so good. mmm.

then we walked directly into the sunlight, couldnt see shit, and sat on top of a rock and looked at people, deciding who is hot and who is not, which girl has the same shoes as me, and other such things. little kids played around us. haha, there was this one small boy with a huge rat-tail mullet. poor kid. his parents should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

the orchestra played in the front, we were pretty close. they played an awesome gershwin tribute song, during which her mom would lean forward, smiling, and sing the words of the familiar tunes. i've got rhythm. you know. then the rest of the stuff was patriotic shit. we stood for the national anthem and to honour our brave soldiers who fight and kill and destroy for peace. that kinda shit. we heard drums that seemed to surround us, and a parade of people marching through and waving their huge corporate american flag. interesting contrast.

i am a sucker for fireworks, i discovered. i tried my best to be the grumpy, anti-nationalistic, rebellious one, haha, but the loud lights in the air got my attention more than anything. they formed really amazing smoke shapes in the sky, and when other fireworks would ignite, their lights would ricochet off of the smoke. very pretty. the opening theme of the 1812 overture is probably one of the most beautiful things i've ever heard.

then on our way back, i carried the cooler, and i saw him on the overcrowded shuttle bus. got the chills. saw him again last night, i drank my cold yummy ibc root beer (makes me look like i'm drinking beer, how cool is that), and then the whole night kinda turned into lord of the flies of something. you see, the root beer bottle became a symbol of verbalization. is that a word? so. whoever had the bottle was the one allowed to speak. there were only two of us so it wasnt too difficult. we have this new thing of ours, as soul twins (ha), where we take turns writing spontaneous letters to each other out loud. interrupting is impolite. first, you hear each other's letter out to its extent. then you write your own, in response. but only if you have the bottle! it's fun. i got tired. although halfway through one of her letters, he walked in and i suddenly started getting those funny feelings inside. haha. butterflies? grey matter?? my throat gets warm and my forehead wants to jump and there are little insects creepin and crawlin at my fingertips. knees rumbling on the ground. i havent even said anything yet. it's like i'm playing "hard to get" with...myself. god. i'm so fucking cool!!

bah. i shaved my armpits last night for the first time, haha, i think as some kind of fuckd physical experiment. it actually feels very nice. dont feel as warm and gross. who woulda thought.


> 1 reaction




july 4, 2001


/the extra terrestrial
radiohead - exit music (for a film)

the only movie i can remember crying in was e.t.. it was at a drive-in movie theater, and i was like 8 or something. god i love drive-in movie theaters. i think when i am older i wanna start my own drive-in movie theater somewhere. imagine...you park your car and then walk over to the food stand (in the back) and get some popcorn and two milkshakes (one for you, and one for your date). your date smiles at you when you give him/her the milkshake. strawberry, the best. no previews, just go right into the film. holding hands. sharing the popcorn. windows rolled down, one foot leaning out, moving to the rhythm of the opening orchestral number. cool breeze slapping your face every few minutes. you've already seen the movie, yet it doesn't feel like it. everything feels perfect.

we actually did end up watching e.t. last night after getting french toast. fried. mmm. we tried getting that movie where the guy from gladiator gets it on with another guy, but we got to the store too late. ah well. so we watched e.t., and i didn't cry! actually i was kinda scared. y'know, the part where elliot sees e.t. for the first time in the corn fields, and he shines a flashlight on him, and they're both screaming and shit. and e.t.'s arms are waiving in the air in a frenzy. damn.

and it was kinda weird 'cause i didn't recognize some of the scenes. i guess when i was a little boy, i just covered my eyes during those scenes. the scary scenes. still scary to me to this day, i discovered. now i wonder if i cried during that movie 'cause i was so sad that e.t. and elliot were dying together, or maybe it's just 'cause i was so scared. probably the latter.

so it turns out, the world may be a lot smaller than we all think. or maybe it's just texas. the past few days. watching hot guys at the pool (with their dogs). haha. i think i should get a cute little puppy too, so i can take it for walks and have that "real" reason to talk to the sexy ones. or maybe have them talk to me! ha. sigh. enticing her to be flirty with the lifeguards while i wish i could do that myself. eh. at least i'm not afraid to look them in the eyes anymore. it's a step-like process. "slow and steady wins the race..." and one day, i'll be so confident and charged up. i know i will.

tonight, fireworks and fireworks and the symphony playing the 1812 overture near the lake. my dad said there's a better view next to this shopping mall. i'd rather be around the lights. and the people. let's have a picnic.


> 2 reactions




july 1, 2001


/sailin' on
foo fighters - floaty

i went canoeing the other day on the lake separating south from north. first time i had gone canoeing since like boy scout camp or something. ah so much fun. b was fucking hilarious, screaming "hey, nice ass!!" at the guys jogging along the path. i wish i had half the balls she does.

temp job #002 appeared seemingly out of no where last night. but this time, i was to stand for 8 hours, until midnight, separating wires from machines and placing them in their respective box(es). talked to this girl who looked stereotypically sorority friendly but was very nice and had a nice smile. and she was a design major undergrad! now doing architecture. tells me "it's a lot of work, but it's worth it." awesome. we were the only two people there that spoke amerikan. besides the old guy i worked with in the mailroom last week. that fucker's nuts. haha. like, he just couldn't get it through his head that this one girl working next to me didn't speak engrrrish. the only thing she could say was "dont speak english." and she smiled when she said it. sweet. but, he kept saying shit to her in english. and complaining about the management. old people are funny.

arrghhh. being honest and direct is becoming fucking overrated. i give up. no i dont. just tired of trying to sound like i know what i'm talking about. telling someone else to grow up, it's fucking ridiculous. i dont wanna hear it. so i've resorted to giving an answer that is probably not expected. exploring the reaction. separating actors from clowns. making ghostbusters metaphors maybe. making bad metaphors. singular or plural? singular. seeing if they understand me. fuck. do i even understand me? these days, not so much.

my parents got a new car. the cd player sounds really fucking nice. no more dark blue green 4 door for me though. wine! we have to work out a solution. and i have to work out a good solution to overcome the dumb need to have a "real" or "good" reason to start a conversation with this boy i like that doesnt know me. crushcrush crush. fucking bullshit. no one's gonna do it for you. might as well do it yourself. like d tells me after football pratice, SUCK IT UP CHUMP. he's right. i know he is.