june 28, 2001

/working class hero
plow united - plow ii

man. haven't been this tired in a while. my temp job was interesting and dragging and extremely tedious. the envelopes come out of one side of the machine, i stack them into neat piles and place them in a mail bin. chug chug chug goes the machine and i make "that face" y'know, "suck it up chump and do your freakin job" eh whatever. i'm gettin paid wahoo.

the big guy with a goatee and a ponytail is awesome, his name rhymes with "pony" and he plays bass in an iron maiden cover band. fucking awesome. we talked about death metal and cock rock and then the manager came over and the three of us talked about what we like to put on hot dogs. "when my wife can't think of anything to eat, i'm all like...CHILI DOGS!!" ha! oh, and then this other guy with a nice ass came over and they talked about "leaving the wife at home" and going to some strip club. i turned the other way, stacked my envelopes, and pretended not to listen.

so the guy (whose name rhymes with "pony") thought my name was "dan" the entire time, i guess it was kinda hard to hear my name with all of the loud machines chug chug chugging in the background. he kept making jokes like "dan the MAN" and "BIG DAN" haha he's awesome. wearing his black sweatpants and black iron maiden shirt to work. very saggy eyes. what a friendly guy. i didnt have the heart to tell him my name is really "ben" 'cause. i dunno. i mean, how do you tell that to someone without sounding like a dickhead anyway?

i actually got kinda used to answering to the name "dan." i just smiled and played along. caught me off guard a few times. one of the managers was an impatient asshole. i really wanted to take some photos down there of the old people in their uniforms operating the cranky production line machinery. y'know. remember their faces laughing and shaking their heads in the breakroom as they rub their eyes shut and talk about "counting the days to retirement." jerry springer is on the tv. they watch it and criticize it and escape to it, despite the horrible reception.

> 2 reactions

june 24, 2001

/i saw you standing there
donuts n' glory - sirens

out of all the people that could've been standing near the front of the store, it had to be him. yes i saw him. i dont think he saw me. i looked at her and was like "holyshitholyshit we have to leave NOW" and i'm sure my eyes were WIDE open and i was making some...face.

we snuck around the aisles to leave, she went first to check to see if the scene was clear. god. so fucking scary. dunno why. i guess i never expected to see him again. i mean, what the hell would i say? would would HE say?? passed by his car on the way to mine. flashbacks, silly issues, conquered passions...so. i kinda feel like a goon now. eh whatever.

my job was very tedious. i loaded paper into a xerox machine and then sorted the outcome(s) into separate containers. lunch break, lemme count the ways...i bought one of those cd things for "my" car (first cd played: operation ivy energy aww yeah). i'm a whore to i) technology, and also to ii) joey fatone. when are you comin back from tour? i miss you baby.

> 6 reactions

/miss congeniality sucked my breasts
in flames - pinball map

so hard.

should i get a kitten? i played with the cutest kitties in the galaxy last night in a room that reeked of that nasty ass skunk-smelling shit (my shirt smelled like ass). god smoking is sooooo fucking gross. stay out of lung. i must have looked really awesome in my flip flops and plaid swimming suit. whatever. i love kitties.

perhaps after that we snuck into an apartment complex and tried to learn swimming games in the pool (hey k, i still don't understand that spider shit! haha), then we talked about penises and relationships in the hot tub, where this couple was going at it a few minutes earlier. woohoo. and dammit, i still can't pee in a pool. i get nervous or something, ha. i don't understand, i used to be the freakin pool pee master. grown ups pee in pools too, right??

in about six hours i wake up to stand in jeans and a tshirt for 8 hours while catching 20 pound envelopes being fed through a big machine at some place where i need to check in with po po's in the building behind "two twin towers...no *chuckle* not those twin towers!" it will probably make me enough greens to buy like 10 records. and it will suck. but it will be worth it. i need records. i need you. gnight.

> 4 reactions

june 22, 2001

/teeth tattoos
the cars - misfit kid

if you buy this certain toothbrush, you can get free tiny tattoos that you can put on your teeth. ha! now that is an incredible concept. i love that whole "nasty shit on my teeth" look. hey let's fuck.

i mowed the lawn and jogged up and down the hill back to back. made me feel like a MAN boo yah. haha. i miss you beef & d.

yesterday i got the cars' panorama lp in very nice condition for two bucks. barely any snaps or crackles or pops at all. i want that meshuggah record. buy it for me bitch. i just noticed i still have her abdominal breathing self relaxtion tape, with the deep voice that sounds like someone sitting in their bathroom eating some jell-o or something. you can hear him like coughing in the background. relaxation environment?

oh yeah, i wanna be an erotic dancer. my name would be "rice puddin' " & artfag#02 suggested that him and i could tag team and be "the orient express" ha! hey who wants to trade summer mixtapes?

> 2 reactions

june 21, 2001

/deodorant and a movie
oingo boingo - forbidden zone

last night i discovered the beauty of driving around alone (for the first time) with my head leaning back and the windows rolled down while feeding the smiths' "there is a light that never goes" into my ears at a high volume level. one day the love of my life will hold me close and sing that to me...sigh...haha

i love the warmish breeze more and more. am i becoming a southern boy??? pleasejesusno! we went out to get deodorant and great expectations (the new one). it was a very pretty movie. ethan hawke looks like an elf. i think i am more attracted to gwyneth paltrow (sp?). she has a nice figure, but yours is better, plus you have bigger boobies. we took turns making fake camera noises when we saw a scene that we liked. hey miss soul twin: mine were better bitch!! "lol" haha

> 3 reactions

june 20, 2001

/new "react" system of communication
mr. lif f/ illin' p - cro-magnon

new kaosboy feature: at the end of each post is a "react" link, which you can click on to leave a comment about my hair, or maybe my amazing buttmaster arm workouts. or tell the story about the time you peed in your pants at that slumber party (i would've cried).

> 6 reactions

june 19, 2001

/radio + head
michael jackson - smooth criminal

first of all, we were supposed to be on 290, but somehow we kept repeatedly seeing signs for 71. i assumed navigation position. haha, mr. "where's the bathroom again?" over here. yet somehow, a hundred antique plantations and micro churches later, we arrived at 290 (due east) and were treated to the most beautiful sunset i have seen in a very long time.

exchanging luscious conversation and cheek-hurting laughter, we sped at 90 towards the nothern suburb of houston texas, where we would soon find an uncharted audio environment. she talked about "wanting to get away from it all" and moving out to the country. a more simple life?

i replied, "damn, i don't know if i could do that." i think i'm more of a city boy; excited and spoiled by urban electricity. though we both learned that we share a common desire to get it on with a guy in a barn, on a haystack, haha..."maybe if you threw down a blanket or something" she said, y'know, to avoid ass splinters. ha! that's what i was thinkin.

we were stopped by police for going 50 on a 40, she acted "please please please officer," avoided a ticket. rock! we drove into some forest and could already hear the music. late as hell. we parked near some horse shit and walked through the forest. then suddenly, i could hear "paranoid android" as we walked on the dimly lit path. familiar sounds getting closer and closer, bouncing off darkness and tree bark, nuzzling itself into our ears until the audio environment surrounded us.

impatient with the ticket booth guy (we were so late), we accelerate inward. rrrroooooaaaaarrrrr! crazy amounts of people in there, must be thousands. my biggest concert ever; every seat and breathing space occupied. the song is now "idioteque" and the crowd is grabbing hair and shaking and rumbling and screaming. we find our vacant seats (surprisingly close) and start shaking and rumbling ourselves. i find myself closing my eyes and smiling and letting my imagination shake and rumble as well. the arena is a giant spaceship??

one hour of pure imagination, conquest, machine manipulation. sometimes sarcasm, analyzing rockstar treatment, wondering if the men on the stage think it is as funny as i do.

afterwards, we scoped out cute boys buying overpriced merchandise, ran into two random friends (small world), then found our motor vehicle and rolled down the windows to get bitchslapped by the cool air. and we did. then we sat in the middle of an abandoned parking lot and ate sandwiches and fries and analyzed our desire(s) to do physical exercise. the subconscious feeling that something has been gained and/or achieved, we decide.

i adjusted the incline of the my passenger seat and fell asleep looking at stars through the sunroof. you can see a lot more stars when you're in the middle of nowhere, i think. oh yeah, i also finally got my driver's license yesterday. "it's about fucking time!" ahem. the end.

> 1 reaction

june 18, 2001

living legends - melancholy manuscripts

negative NEGATIVE negative negative neggagtuiiiiiiiiivee nagtive negative!!$!@# negative negativej negative

> 4 reactions

/the day of patriarchy
the rentals - the man with two brains

father's day is hardly father's day at all with my folks. they cook something on the grill, maybe some kinda meat that's a little fancier than usual. i sit there rather silently until my mom starts talking about how girls can't be just friends with boys. i love my mom to death. she's so cute when she says stuff like that. but at the same time i'm trying not to bite and criticize the extremely different social world she grew up in. that's just not fair.

remember that girl i talked about yesterday? haha, my mom thinks she's my girlfriend. since we spend so much time with each other. then out of no where my dad's like "well, ben, i think she likes you, 'cause of the way she acts around you" ahhh! even my parents think we're a couple.

so i'm just like "nah it's not like that. i mean, i like her a lot, but i'm just not...attracted to her" and they just sit there for a second. in my head i was continuing that statement with "and i guess it makes sense that i'm not attracted to her 'cause, well, i'm not attracted to girls" but my lips were too busy chewing grilled chicken (i'm the worst vegetarian ever haha) and my mind was too busy being a lame ass pussy bitch. haha! ah well.

oh yeah, and chicken is a vegetable. which makes me still a vegetarian. good night.

> 1 reaction

june 16, 2001

/daring to (mis)pronounce "frankenstein"
kraftwerk - taschenrechner

i experienced my first double feature movie last night. 'twas a night of mel brooks movies and bugs bunny cartoons and comfy coffee shops and new mosquito bites. madeline kahn rules my galaxy! like the part where she sees the monster's penis and she's like "oh my god" and then they start getting it on, and she starts singing (i guess to symbolize extreme pleasure?)

it's kinda funny how we're always trying to think of new ways to show everyone that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. i mean, we pretty much are, minus the kissing and the...other stuff couples do (?). we have this magical imagination world in which everyone wants us, haha, but when they see us jokingly flirt with each other, they're like "damn, they're going out" and then they don't come over to get it on with us and get our phone numbers and stuff. ha!

ok, so we get pretty close sometimes. fuck, i mean if i saw us somewhere, i'd probably think we're a couple too. maybe that's more of a good thing than a bad thing; a symbol of ultimate trust and comfort? i dunno. or maybe i just need a shirt that says "she's not my girlfriend, goddammit." with an arrow pointing to her.

don't wanna overthink every little thing, yet don't wanna accept that everything doesn't always work out like it's supposed to. but i know i need to. use your brain, smart ass. don't just accept, but embrace the imperfections. step back and look yourself in the mirror once in a while. raw honesty over plasticity.

i tell myself "that's just part of the fun." keeps me optimistic.

damn. i gotta pee. and i really fucking want a strawberry milkshake and fries. oh yeah, and i don't ever wanna grow up. dammit tinkerbell, where the hell are you? i need you i need you.

> 1 reaction

june 14, 2001

/my first flowers ever
candiria - method of expression

on monday, i got my first flowers from another person, a girl. nonono no it's not like that. i like boys dammit. she's a good friend, a really good friend.

attached to the flowers was "i'm sorry i'm sorry" and a buncha other nice stuff on a piece of notebook paper. my eyes got kinda foggy. i'm such a pussy ha! so i wrote her back on a piece of printer paper, a two-columned letter with a small colorful representation of her name sketched at the top. purple faded to blue and then green, with a pinkish red cloud (on the outside).

i stuck the letter in an old converse all-stars shoe box (red hi-tops) along with my small stuffed polar bear. i love that thing, it's so fucking cute. one day, i want my own polar bear, or maybe a panda bear. they'd have cute lil bear babies and they'd jump on me and lick my face and run around the living room and shit all over the place and stuff.

i'm sad to see my little polar bear go, but i know it will be in good hands with her.

she would come over and see my polar bear and suddenly get this huge smile on her face. we both love baby animals. it's in our blood or something.

so i drove with my dad to her house, 20 minutes away. i knew she wouldn't be there 'cause she's at this show. the band with that "yellow" song. i hopped out of the car and left it on the front doorstep of her house, then i quickly walked back to the car and drove away. like a ninja! no one saw me, i don't think.

i really really hope she likes the polar bear and personal letter (i put "i'm sorry i'm sorry" in mine too). not exactly flowers, but good enough. right?

> react

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